The best day of my life

I once had an assignment to write about the best day of my life. I could think of about 5 that were really outstanding. How could I choose the best - or at least the best one to write about? The assignment allowed me to classify them. Which one would I want to re-live? Which was most fulfilling? Which made me feel most useful? Which one was a dream come true? And finally, what would my perfect future day be like?

I believe I am blessed to have had an abundance of “best” days. I imagine that all of us, whatever our circumstances, would find days that rose above the rest. And there is value in examining them, as we can learn about ourselves, and how to live better right now.

My best day, at least the one I would want to re-live, really was a best moment. I was in a Sandals resort in Granada with my then partner Rich. It was one of our first getaways during the pandemic. We chose Granada because it had virtually no COVID cases, so we felt very safe going there. This particular day was at the end of our trip, sunny and warm like all the preceding days. Rich seemed kind of lost for most of the time, and his face had that vacant expression that I had learned to recognize as dementia. He worried about finding his way back to our room, and he was reluctant to go into the water. But he willingly accompanied me to the beach and settled into a lounge chair. I spent as much time as I could in the beautiful Caribbean waters. I remember the moment, it was around 11am, and I was standing in water up to my shoulders, gently bobbing with the waves. I felt so peaceful and relaxed. I started to talk with a young woman who was near me, holding a cocktail in her hand. She told me she was getting married that afternoon. She and her fiance had decided to get married on the island on the spur of the moment, so they didn’t have many guests. The wedding was going to be around 5pm at the gazebo at the other end of the beach. Because it was a small beach, the wedding would be visible to me in the very spot I was standing in, and the bride-to-be told me she would wave at me if I was still there in the water. I felt happy for this young woman, and I enjoyed the brief connection and conversation. I was basking in that nice feeling, with the warm sun on my face and shoulders, and the slightly cooler water below. I didn’t have a care in the world. I felt absolutely tranquil and happy. Nothing else was on my mind, and there was nothing I needed to do.

That moment has come back to me many times. It reminds me that there is tranquility and beauty inside me, that I can access by letting go. I don’t have to be solving all the problems of the world, or even any problems, all of the time. It feels good to take a moment, to just be with whatever that moment holds. The world will go on, everything in my life will still be there. It’s nice to know that I can find that peace when I need it.

My Thanksgiving thoughts on gratitude

As a coach, I almost always recommend a gratitude practice to anyone who doesn’t have one, and particularly if they are struggling with a less then positive, open mindset. Nothing can get you out of bed with a smile better than a “Five Faces of Gratitude” meditation. I have had my own gratitude practice for so long that if you asked me at Thanksgiving dinner to say something I am grateful for, I would probably have to set a timer so I don’t go over the limit.

I am thankful every day for my family, including those who are no longer with us. Today, I feel like expressing thanks for a different group: my friends.

I am very grateful for my friends. Not that long ago, when I was enrolled in my Health and Wellness Coach Training Program, we students practiced coaching each other. More times than not my “coach” would suggest I needed a stronger social network. I really didn’t have many friends. I was someone who was always in a relationship or a marriage, and my social network was built around my husband or boyfriend. Finally, early in 2023, I moved into a cozy apartment with my two cats and no partner, and for 18 months I had a relationship with myself. I learned so much about myself and how I wanted to live, and almost without trying, I found myself making my own friends.

My friends are for traveling with, hiking with, having adventures, and just hanging out. We talk on the phone when something goes wrong, and when something goes really well. We share so much, without the sexual tension and expectations that can accompany a romantic relationship. We accept each other as we are, and never try to make the other person change. Just like in the song, we know we all “need somebody to lean on.” We take turns lifting each other up.

If we have a partner, friends can be our safety valve. I remember when I was a newlywed, many years ago, and I was at home pouting because my husband was at a sales meeting that night and I wanted to talk to him. Instead I called my mother, and she said, “Janie, you can’t expect your husband or any one person to meet all your needs.” That was a lesson to be learned again and again, and that’s where friends come in.

So, from having few friends, how did I end up with all these new ones? I’m retired, so I can’t make friends at work. Then what? For me, it just involved getting out there, engaging with life, and being friendly and open. I made friends at yoga. And when I took yoga teacher training I gained 15 really close friends, all at once. I do ballroom dancing every weekend and there I made friends in the dance world. I have made new friends on retreats. Two former clients became my friends. There are so many possibilities. And I’m not an extrovert. But I am open and happy and approachable.

If you have many friends, good for you! If you have just a few, don’t lose touch with them. And if you are feeling lonely and don’t really have friends, take a course, volunteer, do something where you are with other people. Smile, help someone, and see what happens. Even one good friend who gets you is someone to be grateful for.

What I learned about mindfulness in Bali

I talk a lot about mindfulness as a wellness coach and as a yoga teacher. Mindfulness practice involves developing the skill of bringing one’s attention to whatever is happening in the present moment. We are developing this skill when we sit in meditation, and also as yogis when we focus in our asana practice. If you’re not really familiar with mindfulness, perhaps you’d like to hear this story that illustrates mindfulness in real life. It happened a little over a year ago at the end of a retreat in the Sideman Valley in Bali. This is not my story, although I was present at the retreat, but it is nevertheless true. The Balinese people are spiritual probably from birth. They live a life of devotion and gratitude, and focus on the present moment as a way of life. In this story, my friend Rita was being driven to the airport by a local man whom I will call Wayan for the purposes of this story. Rita was sitting up front with Wayan. As they were traveling down the road, Rita asked him why she had never seen anyone in Bali get angry or look cross. At that moment, the car hit a motorbike that stopped in its path. The driver of the motorbike was thrown off his bike, onto a grassy hillside. His shoes went flying in the other direction. Wayan left his vehicle to attend to the driver on the hillside. A safety patrol officer went to get the shoes. The motorbike driver had no apparent injuries, nor did his bike. Once he was reunited with his shoes, he drove off. Wayan walked around his vehicle to assess the damage. Then he got back in the car and resumed the route to the airport. Rita apologized for distracting him while he was driving. He replied, “You didn’t cause the accident.” She asked, ““Aren’t you upset about the damage to your car?” Wayan replied, “The accident is in the past. Everyone is ok. My car is still drivable. I don’t need to pay attention to any damage right now. Right now, my job is to get you to the airport on time.”

Can you imagine that happening where you live? Or, can you imagine reacting that way if you hit someone on a motorbike when you were driving? Wayan demonstrated true equanimity. He did what was required of him in the moment (making sure the motorbike driver was ok and that his own car was drivable), and moved on to the next moment, where he resumed his job of getting his passenger to her destination. Facing each moment with curiosity and doing what is required, then moving on to the next moment - that is mindfulness.

One more thing about worry

Here is something I learned recently from Jonathan Singer’s recent podcasts. (He is the author of two books, “The Untethered Soul,” and “Living Untethered.” In his podcast he provides spiritual teachings mainly for yogis, but his messages can resonate with others.)When you have something worrying you, and you already determined you can’t do anything about it, all that is left is to release it, but how?

Singer recommends telling yourself, “I can handle this.” You can make it a mantra. For example, you may be very anxious and worried about the outcome of the election. After you have voted, there’s nothing else you can do about it. You have this feeling of worry, you can’t deny it, but you don’t have to get involved with it. You tell yourself, I am uncomfortable with this feeling, but I can handle it. When the feeling arises again, say to yourself, “I can handle it.” The truth is, you CAN handle it. And when the results come in, you can handle that too.

Kicking the worry habit

“Every problem has its price, but if you worry you pay double.” I found this powerful statement on a souvenir magnet in a hotel gift shop. It came just when I needed a jolt to get me out of my worry habit. I don’t worry anymore (that’s the absolute truth), but it was a long journey to get here.

Almost everyone worries. Mark Twain famously said, “I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t know. And that’s what’s wrong with worrying. Your calm, happy life is disturbed, not by real events, but by stories you make up about the future. When you worry, you are not handling anything. Instead you are taking your attention away from the present, where reality is. You are actually missing your present life while worrying about an imaginary future. One day the future will be today, without any intervention from you, and then you can deal with what comes up in the moment.

Maybe you don’t care so much about living in the moment. Worry is harmful for lots of other reasons. Here are some: It can cause physical reactions like headaches, muscle tension, high blood pressure, fatigue, sleep disturbances, sweating, GI symptoms (including IBS), dizziness, dry mouth, and rapid heart rate. It can cause mental symptoms such as difficulty concentrating, nervousness, restlessness, or a feeling of impending doom. It can increase your appetite causing weight gain, especially around the belly (and here you can circle back to heart problems).

But you don’t have to worry about worrying, you can do something about it. I am going to tell you how I overcame my worry habit, and then I will give some other suggestions that might help you, because there’s no “one size fits all” here.

1. The magnet. Something about that magnet got me to thinking about worry, and how it didn’t make sense. Then experience drove it home. One day I got stuck in a long meeting at work in Brooklyn. I lived in Rockland County, NY, and whenever I went to the Brooklyn office I would head home at 3pm, because of the long commute. I was near tears as it became apparent I would be heading home in the middle of rush hour. I would be on the road FOREVER. I phoned my husband, who sympathized but said, “Leave when you can. Maybe it won’t be as bad as you think.” And he was right. There was less traffic than I usually found when I left at 3. The trip home was easy! Meanwhile all those stress hormones had been flooding through my body, for no reason at all. My attitude toward worry began to change.

2. The serenity prayer. My aforementioned husband was in recovery and attended AA meetings every week. Through him I came to be familiar with the serenity prayer. And I started applying it to everyday situations. If I recognized that I was starting to worry about anything, I would stop, and analyze it like this: Can I do anything to change it? If yes, I would make plan, and after that I didn’t need to worry about it. If no, then it was out of my control, and I let it go. Understand, this happened over time. I learned that not much is under my control at all, so why worry? Just let go.

3. The surrender box. This was a tool I learned about from The Daily Om, a useful website if you want to check it out. The point of the box was to place in it anything that was causing worry, thus surrendering it to God, or the Universe, to take care of. This would free you up so you could get back to whatever else you were supposed to be doing. As I was nearing the completion of my Health and Wellness Coach Training Certification course, I worried about how I would get any business for the coaching practice I was planning to start. I was noticing some of the symptoms described above. So I wrote on a slip of paper, “how will I get any business,” and I put it in my surrender box. I think it’s still there. Of course, for this to work, I had to believe it would be effective. It definitely helped me finish the course, and helped me to believe in my business, which did eventually grow.

4. Meditation. This is one of the classic recommendations to help you worry less. Meditation keeps you in the present moment, where worry does not exist. I have been meditating twice a day for two years and I can’t say enough how much it changed my life, and eliminated worry altogether.

   If none of this resonates with you, yet you haven’t stopped reading, here are some traditional practices that can help you reduce worry, or at least manage it better.

   1. Set aside “worry time.” Give yourself 15 minutes or so to worry. This might be a good time to write those worries down. Some sources say to avoid doing this near bedtime, but others think bedtime is good because your brain might come up with answers while you sleep. I leave it to you to figure out what it works for you. When your time is up, stop worrying.

   2. When a worry comes up at other times, tell yourself you’ll think about it during your worry time.

   3. Ask yourself if there is anything you can do about what’s worrying you. If so, can you make a plan?

   4. Accept the worries about things you cannot control, acknowledge them, then let them go. They might come back - that’s ok. Accept them and let them go again.

   5. Try some mindfulness activities such as yoga, meditation, and breathing exercises. These help keep you in the present.

   6. Finally, don’t worry about worrying. It’s normal. But if it interferes with your life, then it’s time to take some steps to lessen the worrying and increase the joy.

Welcome to Jane Cooperman Wellness, and to my blog

If this is your first time here, I hope you found everything you needed. And please, feel welcome.

People who hire me are looking for a life coach, or a health coach, or wellness coach - and there’s no difference among those titles. That’s because Wellness is about how you live in every dimension of your life. It includes your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well-being, as well as your creativity, your joy, your spontaneity, your resilience and almost everything else there is. Each post to follow will address some aspect of Wellness, and I hope you come back from time to time to have a look.

For now, I’d like to leave you with my mission and vision for Jane Cooperman Wellness. My mission is very simple: to help people feel better. My vision is that when people become their best selves, the world becomes a better place one individual at a time.

Hope to see you soon!